Friday, 30 December 2016
In group therapy currently at the brampton civic hospital. If you think you are the only one suffering from mental illness think again. I guess I've always known this but I still felt a sense of self titled self pity but today I felt differently. I am always thinking about how much my life sucks and how much I wish I had this and that. Even with my book. I have always felt a sense of desperation that if it doesnt bring me fortune and admiration my life would no longer be wort...h living. Well from this day on I am telling that side of myself to shut up because I have a life that so many less fortunate could only dream of. Yes I am different, yes I am weird and its hard to fit in but I am still very much alive and I still have people who is willing to put up with the mess that I sometimes am. I am choking up as I try to put this deep realization into words... I guess what I am trying to say is that for this new year try to live in the moment more. Not the future not the past. Be thankful for people in your life even if the relationship have passed on, just be thankful that it even happened, that in some way your universe and theirs collided and that there were some good memories. Dont wait on riches or a relationship to make you feel complete. YOU are complete right in this very moment because you were made out of love and you are loved by God if by noone else.
I think this time of year is cursed for me. It is supposed to be so festive and magical but the only thing that was festive and magical about 2016 Christmas for me was the fact that I had an entire icing cake to myself. In my solitude, after my boyfriend broke up with me so timely and gentlemanly on Christmas eve (sarcasm), I stayed inside my basement room and stared at this special sugary, tooth-rotting cake. I didn't care to go to family functions for my anxiety and low spirits were so bad. But I tried to see some hope. I tried to be thankful for even my gloomy existence. Truly, if you are living, have a roof over your head, and have food in your fridge, you should try your best to be grateful even if you want to kill yourself. This year we saw so much tragedy happen all over the world. So much senseless hate crimes. I took a little moment to reflect on those poor families and pray for them. Though I do suffer from my mental illnesses, and at times it becomes unbearable for me, I noted that I should be thankful for having made it to the end of another year. But yes it still hurt my soul that I was alone for Christmas.
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Hope you are all doing well this holiday. I hope you didn't stay home alone for Christmas like me stuffing your face with an entire icing cake because you felt too alien and odd to be mixing with humans even if these humans are your family. The holiday is always such a special, fun, festive time... or is it? I guess the lights, the presents (if you get any) can be uplifting and lets not forget those yummy foods that make your best winter body stand out, but sometimes it can be a little bit exhausting and lonesome for the few of us with anxiety and depression. Nothing like some red wine and fruit cake can't cure right? Anyways happy holidays. I hope I can get back to writing soon and will be able to have the following books to the series out in a reasonable time. I have a long way to go before recovering completely from the mental illnesses that plagues me but I am hopeful and cheers to making next year at Christmas much better for those who can relate. Cheers!
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